Invitation to Catholics
A John C. Pontrello tongue-in-cheek satire written on October 3, 2011.
Dear Catholics;
Due to the circumstances Catholics must face in today's world, many are struggling financially. This got me to thinking about how the traditional Catholic movement offers various opportunities for the entrepreneurial-mindedperson. I asked myself why we should continue worrying about the next paycheck when we can earn a great living just preaching the Catholic faith and spreading it to others. I then realized that there is a tremendous opportunity for great pay, job security, and benefits in what I am about to propose to you. And the really great news is that today almost anyone can do it. In fact, many people are already doing this because it really works!
My plan is to found a traditional Catholic program that will provide for the three basic human needs of its members: food, shelter, and clothing. Once we get rolling, I can assure each of you no more debt and no more anxiety about how we are to put food on our tables or fund our children’s tuition. If this is starting to sound interesting to you, listen up!
Friends, what I am proposing is that you join my new religious order! I thought this through and discovered that it's easy to get started and just as easy to maintain. Members of my order will not even have to have to worry about rules and regulations because there aren’t any! In fact, many other do-it-yourself organizations have done fantastic for themselves, acquiring many acres of land, building, and large monetary inheritances from the elderly supporters of their groups who kick the bucket. In addition, not only can we count on large inheritances from the deceased, but also we should expect large donations from the living. Just consider that one organization founded by a couple of laymen took in over a million dollars from a generous donor a few years back. That was a huge score for them and only the tip of the iceberg to what is out there for us!
After studying how these new religious orders do it I find it too good an opportunity to let pass by and so I decided it is time to get in on the action. I am my own religious order right here in Buffalo. I'll be Superior General and we will be the Remnant Church. I plan to start marketing the Remnant Church angle immediately. We can order our costumes from a wide array of stores located throughout the country.
Now the only requirement to enter my new religious order will be that postulants must donate all of their assets upon entry because I will require a vow of poverty. Just so you know, this is definitely not to benefit me personally in any way, even if I have to use the money to build things that I will enjoy such as a bowling alley or soccer field on the compound. Be assured that the vow of poverty and asset donation are required only to benefit the public. In addition, you should know that your assets are very welcome even if you cannot actually join yourselves.
If you are interested in joining my Remnant Church but are worried about how we will provide for ourselves, I tell you not to worry because we can just sue people when we need things. And there is security in this because once people join us, legal threats will make it extremely difficult to leave. If someone does try to leave us, in addition to forfeiting their assets, they can expect to get slapped with a lawsuit. That's right folks, I will sue them silly and for their own good! They will also be publicly maligned, detracted, calumniated, insulted, embarrassed, and degraded on our website, written publications, radio shows, and Sunday Sermons, but not in any way that is sinful since we’re doing the Lord’s work. Therefore, this is actually a good thing because it will ensure that we retain people and most importantly their assets. Lastly, if someone does manage to leave the Remnant Church with the crazy idea to calumniate and detract us, we will see to it he or she receives eternal damnation. For those of you experienced in how mind control works, you already know that even a little bit goes a long way.
If anyone is wondering how we will make money I have that covered. In addition to selling books, DVDs, and other materials that I will personally revise, re-edit, misinterpret, spin, plagiarize, re-publish, re-print, and actually author myself, we will work the sacrament angle; always a best seller. This is simple to do. All we need to do to get started making the big money is see that one of us is ordained, which is really easy to do these days as long as the candidate is homosexual. Once we have the Mass, supporters will arrive in no time. Woman enthusiasts will not be turned away either. We will start an Order for Women provided they divorce their husbands, disown their children, and donate their share of the divorce settlement.
And for those of you who are still skeptical there are additional security measures we can take to make you feel more safe and secure about your future and I don't mean with whips, chains, guns, poisons, and explosive devices, although we will certainly have a healthy supply of those items on hand. What I mean is this: Let’s say down the road, regulations start to come back and we are put under pressure for not having authority, we need not worry because we can easily get it. This is another great perk of working the traditionalist Catholic market. All we have to do is make one of our people bishop and "BINGO!" we will have all the authority we will ever need! If we need to go this route there is additional compensation involved for us because bishops attract a much wider and wealthier support group. People like to see the miter and they never ask questions about where it came from. Obviously, since I am the founder and Superior General, I will also be bishop. It would be a most terrible thing to have competition within my own order; I might seriously have to liquidate a competitor. Incidentally, our consecrated grounds will have its own private cemetery for this type of occasion.
Lastly, since I will be bishop it will not be difficult to make myself the pope at any point in the future. If other popes continue showing up on the traditionalist scene and threaten to cut in on our territory we might just have to make that move. But, that would be down the road. For now, I hope this invitation answers your questions and gives you much assurance of the bright future you will have if you join my religious order. So please consider this letter as a formal invitation to leave the world behind and enter the only Remnant Church remaining on Earth. Depending on the response this letter generates I hope to begin taking applications right away. To begin the interview process, when you call, just have your credit card, financial information, sexual orientation, and a list of at least 5 other Catholics you'd like to see dead, ready for the intake coordinator (that's me of course). And if you don't think this is really for you but would still like to help us, you are encouraged to donate as much as possible even if it isn't lawfully yours. Remember, I will take anything of value and in return I will help you be all that you can be. Rest assured, your reward shall be great in time and eternity.
John C. Pontrello
John C. Pontrello is a former Sedevacantist activist and seminarian in a traditional Catholic religious community. Prior to his association with traditional Catholicism, he managed an investment planning practice for many years. He currently resides in Western New York. His book entitled "The Sedevacantist Delusion: Why Vatican II's Clash with Sedevacantism Supports Eastern Orthodoxy" can be purchased through Amazon.com and is highly recommended.