Born Again Catholics
Another John C. Pontrello tongue-in-cheek satire written on September 17, 2016.
Catholics are you “saved?” According to a new Christian religion that gradually developed after the Catholic Church’s Second Vatican Defection (1962-1965), not unless you recognize the Church of Rome as the prophesied end-times “whore of Babylon” and “seat of the Antichrist.” Is this religion another kind of Born Again Protestant sect? Hmmm ....
Many Born Again Catholics are openly talking about how they “got saved” and they are serious about getting their word out. Upon first meeting with a Born Again Catholic, you will be given sales “material” usually in the form of tracts or DVDs about the pope being the Antichrist and then you will be cordially threatened to join their society the ETIRCRCABR or "End-Times Invisible Roman Catholic Remnant Church anywhere but Rome". Make no mistake, this seemingly warm invitation to join their society is not really an invitation, it is a mandate from God. Walk away unconvinced and you are likely to be called every dirty name in the book and sentenced to the lake of fire with the devil and his angels forever and ever, Amen!
A couple of things distinguish Born Again Catholics from Born Again Protestants. First, they are fierce defenders of the papacy as well as the Catholic Church's expired dogma “no salvation outside the Catholic Church.” Never mind that Born Again Catholics haven’t been able to locate the papacy, the Catholic Church, the apostolic hierarchy, and most of the sacraments for 58, 102, or 886 years respectively, according to members of this new sect, all that is necessary is that you desire the Church of Rome wherever you are and that is just as good as having the real thing. How could the Church of Rome defect you might ask? Well, Born Again Catholics do not like those kinds of questions since they could only derive from the clouded minds of faithless reprobates. What is important to them is only that you recognize that the Antichrist sits on the Chair of Peter in Rome and that the “true” Church of Rome remains alive and well within the minds and hearts of “true” believers (i.e., members of the ETIRCRCABR).
The similarities between Protestant and Catholic Born Againism are notable. For example, neither group has a need for a visibly unified hierarchical Church, a papacy, authority, apostolicity, a priesthood, or Rome in any capacity. But the most important similarity between them concerns the salvation formula. In both denominations, salvation is a personal experience between each Born Again and God, and it requires only two conditions. First, you must disavow all authority on earth except the Word of God. Second, you must accept your personal Lord and Savior into your heart. But there are some slight deviations in Born Again Catholicism. For example, in lieu of Jesus, Born Again Catholics recognize the Portuguese goddess Mary as their personal Lord and Savior and accept her into their hearts. To be fair, Jesus is ok too, but in these last days, there is no salvation outside of Mary, the female redeemer of man. Unsurprisingly, many Born Again Catholics live with great anticipation of the second coming of the Virgin. Born Again Catholics fulfill the second condition when they renounce all religious authority on earth except the Word of God. The Bible? Actually no, it’s Henry Denzinger’s “The Sources of Catholic Dogma.” As in Born Again Protestantism, salvation is grounded in The Word and its personal interpretation, which the Holy Spirit reveals to each Born Again Catholic who owns a copy of Denzinger. After embracing these two pillars of the faith, you are "saved"- hallelujah! Almost immediately, your transformation will become manifest as the spirit fills your heart with so much peace, love, and joy that you will strongly desire to torture and murder unbelievers in ways you never imagined possible.
In conclusion, like Protestantism, Born Again Catholicism is just another religion formed by disgruntled and disillusioned Catholics. Essentially, it is the latest Protestant denomination to make waves ... and in a few cases of those who suffer with the affliction of insatiable pride and ambition (narcissism), notoriety and personal fortune. Nevertheless, Born Again Catholicism does not exist in a vacuum. You see, when the Church of Rome defected, it screwed over some of its most devout members, some of whom have been wandering the streets in search of the "true" Church ever since. Those who came to realize they could never find it, became it and passed it along to their loved ones. Now they want to “save” YOU! Praise the Lord.
John C. Pontrello
John C. Pontrello is a former Sedevacantist activist and seminarian in a traditional Catholic religious community. Prior to his association with traditional Catholicism, he managed an investment planning practice for many years. He currently resides in Western New York. His book entitled "The Sedevacantist Delusion: Why Vatican II's Clash with Sedevacantism Supports Eastern Orthodoxy" can be purchased through Amazon.com and is highly recommended.